This is a comedy. 

No, wait, don't pass out yet! I know I haven't written one in two years, but 
hopefully you'll find this even mildly amusing. I bet you can guess who this 
involves... ^_~ Please send feedback! Even if I won't be here, it would warm my 
evil little heart to find a full inbox whenever I return. <pitiful puppy dog eyes>

<hides in a small bomb shelter>
That said, you are also not allowed to kill me, or Demando. You hear me, Patch!? ^_~

~Meredith

Legal Disclaimer: <singing>
I'm sorry Sailor Moon isn't mine,
I can say that in my dreams,
My mind has never functioned properly to begin with,
But if you take Demando I might just have to scream! 

(Oy, that was bad...)

Personal Disclaimer: Sanity? What's that?


========================
A Present For Onii-san 1/1
A Blackmoon Family Comedy
by Meredith Bronwern Mallory
mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
http://www.demando.net
========================


 It was the day before Demando-ouji-sama's birthday.

 Actually, it was the day before Demando-ouji-sama's Name Day, which is
basically the same thing since no one in his mother's house would admit he
existed until the Priestess named him before the Jakokuzuishou and
preformed a few bizarre rituals to prove he was a true Nemesisian.

 But, for all intents and purposes, it was the day before Demando's
birthday. Esmerude had spent the last three weeks bugging him about what he
wanted and, since she still did not have an answer, would most likely
continue to pump the White Prince for information.
 
 "Demando-ouji-sama?" she asked breathlessly at breakfast, batting her long
black eyelashes, "What do you want for your Name Day?"
 "Hmmm," replied Demando, staring into the miniature hologram of Neo-Queen
Serenity, sitting on the table between what passed for the pancakes and
bacon.

 "What do you want for your Name-Day?" Esmerude whispered coyly while
Demando held court.
 "Hmmm," Demando waved Esmerude away, eyes riveted on the large hologram of
Neo-Queen Serenity sitting in the center of the Throne Room.

 "I don't have a present for your Name-Day, Demando-ouji-sama!" Esmerude
leered at lunch, "Won't you give me a hint?"
 Demando... well, I don't need to tell you what he said and where he was
staring, now do I?
 Good.

 While Esmerude flounced about in vexation and made a fool out of herself
in more extraordinary ways than was the norm, Saffir was silent. He did not
ask his beloved older brother for gift-ideas, but he did have to sit on his
hands to restrain himself from smacking his cousin.
 He already knew what he was getting Demando.

***

 Saffir was, simply put, a genius.

 Not just any genius, mind you, but the type that are so smart, so beyond
the layman, that they can't conceive of anyone *not* thinking in the
strange, logical manner they do. Mind you, it didn't take a genius, or even
someone with a few brain-cells more than Esmerude, to see what Demando
wanted. However, only a genius such as Saffir could have actually pulled it
off.

The reasoning went something like this:

Let ( D ) stand for 'Demando' ( all thoughts, memories and strange mood
swings associated with wonderful onii-sama). Let ( W ) stand for 'Wants'
(those which Demando displays publicly: namely, the desire to conquer
Earth). Let ( T ) stand for 'True Wants' (the things Demando desires for
himself personally; specifically Neo-Queen Serenity).

Saffir thought of Demando's love-sick expression whilst looking at the
holograms of the Queen, then quickly scribbled out the 'T' and replaced it
with a 'S' for Serenity.

D + W= slight happiness.

D - W= slight annoyance.

D + S= fulfillment.

D - S= the current state of affairs.

 In the semi-darkness of his computer-laden quarters, Saffir smiled. It was
not an Evil smile, because he was a genius and therefore incapable of being
Good or Bad. it was, however, slightly manic.
 If Demando received Serenity and was fulfilled, he would return (at least
in part) to the brother Saffir loved to such an unhealthy degree. He might
not even want Earth anymore! Without the War, Demando would not need his
war advisor (i.e., the Wiseman). In giving Onii-san Serenity, Saffir would
not only get his brother back, but he would also remove the main source of
stress from his life. Saffir went SD and danced happily on his calculator,
chanting "very cool".
 Despite being a genius, even Saffir was occasionally capable of something
as wholly undignified as that.

 And you know, it just figures that the Wiseman decided to take a vacation
(i.e., go visit his cousin Satan, in very Southern location) that week. [<-- blatant 
plot contrivance.]

 Having returned to his full ("And delicious!" QS-sama adds) form, Saffir
picked up a small palm top, collected his notes, and prepared to teleport
to the 20th Century.
Unfortunately for both his plans and his sanity, Esmerude decided to barge
her way in and begin complaining.
 "Hey, computer-for-brains," she sneered, laughing her unholy laugh, "I
don't have a gift for MY wonderful Demando-sama! Give me some ideas!" Saffir
checked himself from informing the neon-green haired woman what Onii-san
was HIS, before letting a little smile to play on his lips. You see, the
Blue Prince didn't have much of a sense of humor, but there was one joke he
liked; the ironic kind that made the victim kick themselves a week later.
Maybe he had a little more in common with his brother than most thought.

 Anticipating the kicking Esmerude would give herself, Saffir said, "I'm
afraid I don't have any ideas for you, Esmerude. I myself have decided on a
rather unique gift for Onii-san."
 "Oh really?," said the vexed woman, suddenly smoothing her face and
batting her eyes, "Tell him it's from me, too, ne?"
 Saffir pretended outrage, 'Why should I?"
 Esmerude frowned, and gave a very good impression that she was actually
thinking. "If you do, I won't tell Demando-oujisama that you actually did
the horizontal tango with that traitor-bitch Petz." She looked triumphant.
 The Blue Prince raised an eye at Esmerude's terminology, "Very well." He
smiled inwardly. Esmerude was an idiot if she thought Demando-onii-san, in
his infinite glory, hadn't already figured out his brother's little liaison
with the eldest Ayakashi.
 "Good. Now hurry up with my gift!" Esmerude ordered, laughing from behind
her fan. Saffir was more than happy to teleport away.

 Still; the Wiseman gone, a happy Demando and an unhappy Esmerude. Three
birds with one stone.
 "Excellent."

***

Saffir arrived in 20th Century Tokyo...

 What? You want to know how he got past Sailor Pluto? Oh, very well then.
You can only have one blatant plot contrivance per fic anyway....

 It seems Saffir had some 'Special Privileges' accorded to him by the
Senshi of Time, which resulted from their 'Agreement', which resulted
from... Well, no one is really sure how that came about. Setsuna refuses to
say how Saffir got her into a Compromising Situation, and all Saffir would
say is that 'Gentlemen never kiss and tell' though he did mention something
about a game of strip chess.

...

Moving on...

 Saffir arrived in 20th Century Tokyo, somewhere in Juuban park, flipped
open his palm-top and began to search for the address of Tsukino Usagi. Of
course, he knew that Neo-Queen Serenity had been Sailor Moon, who in turn
had been Usagi. And, being one of those rare gifted individuals who thought
outside the normal range, he found this so completely OBVIOUS that he
assumed everyone knew it too.

 Had someone asked him: "Hey, Saffir! Being the frickn' genius you are,
would you happen to know what Sailor Moon's bloody civilian identity is?"
he would have replied, "Yes. She's Tsukino Usagi, a pseudo-school-girl
living in 20th Century Juuban. Please don't swear at me."
 But no one ever asked him so, of course, he didn't volunteer the
information.


 Hence, the Blue Prince strode purposefully down the street, oblivious to
the stares the extras were giving him. He pulled up the Tsukino's address,
rounded a few corners, walked up to the door and knocked. A young boy,
sandy-haired and possessing that air of vague stupidity only teenage boys
can extrude, opened the door.
 "You're weird," he said, having given Saffir a once-over glance and
concluding him to be one of those crazy people who sold pot-holders on the
street corner. "What do you want?" Saffir was not put off at all by the
first statement. He knew that the word 'weird' was derived from the Celtic
'wyrd', meaning 'magic user'. Since he did use magic, he didn't bother to
contradict the boy. The second bit gave him a slight pause.
 "Does Tsukino Usagi live here?" he asked at last.
 "Yeah," the boy's eyes narrowed, "Does she owe you money or something?"
 "No," the blue prince pushed efficiently past the boy and marched into the
house, tossing over his shoulder, "I'm here to kidnap her."

 Ignoring the sudden screaming that had overtaken the boy, Saffir climbed
the steps, located the door that most looked like it belonged to a teenage
girl (the one with the bunny sticker and the sign reading 'Usagi's Room;
keep out! That means, YOU, Shingo.') and opened it. Inside was Neo-Queen
Serenity's past form, the golden-haired, blue-eyed angel of the moon.

 She was wailing. So loudly, in fact, that she didn't realized that her
door was open and an alien was standing in her room.
 "LUNA!!" she cried, pounding her pencil into her math homework as if it
was a knife, "I hate math! It's evil!" Saffir blinked; How dare this Usagi
insult the sacred realm of numbers? Obviously, she was a girl of no sense
what-so ever.
 "Usagi," said the small black cat perched on the young girl's bed, "I
think you have bigger problems." She looked significantly towards Saffir,
before arching her back and hissing. Before Usagi could react, Saffir
plucked her up.
 "Hello, future advisor to Neo-Queen Serenity," he said politely, "I'm
confiscating your charge. If you call the other Senshi, I will kill her. If
you call for her so-called protector, I will also kill her. Have a nice
day!" He flipped the stunned blond girl over his shoulder in a fireman's
lift, turned and went back the way he came.

 ... or at least he tried to. Saffir found the stairwell inconveniently
blocked by a shot-gun wielding Tsukino Kenji.
 "Put my baby down, you crazed-hentai!" he shouted, accenting each syllable
by poking Saffir with receiving end of his weapon. The Blue Prince managed
to look mildly annoyed. Quickly, he calculated the time-- he still needed
to get home and wrap Onii-san's present!

 By this time, of course, the gift in question had begun to struggle. Usagi
pummeled Saffir's back with her small (and surprisingly painful) fists,
kicking her feet aimlessly. Saffir allowed her to do this as he used his
telekinesis to wrench the gun from Kenji's hands. At the rate Usagi was
kicking, there was a ninety two percent chance she would...

 *crack*

 As predicted, Usagi's black Mary-Jane's connected harshly with her
father's jaw. Already shocked, Kenji tumbled down the steps and into the
arms of his hysterical wife.
 "Oh, you awful man, my poor little girl..." sobbed Tsukino Ikuko. Saffir
chose to ignore this (which, he would later realize, was a great mistake)
in favor of stepping over the unconscious man. He'd almost made it out the
door, when he realized that Usagi had suddenly gone still. This, of course,
was a fraction of a second ( .78951, he hazarded) before the Blue Prince
found himself ferociously attacked with a spatula. Between Usagi's blows
and Ikuko's skillful wielding of the kitchen utensil, he was feeling a
little more pain than he liked. In a haze of distaste, he remembered Petz
also being rather good at hitting him-- it must, he reasoned, be common
trait among women.
 "You get him, Mom!" cried Demando's gift.
 "Put," *smack* "my," *whap* "daughter," *swat* "down!" Ikuko raged,
proving she had very good aim. He whirled around (making Usagi rather
dizzy) and used a short blast of energy to send the spatula flying from
Ikuko. The mother staggered back from the blow, apparently deciding it was
time for a strategic retreat. As she rushed into the kitchen, Saffir saw
that the boy was doing the only productive thing:
 Calling the police.

 Realizing that her mother *wasn't* going to rescue her, Usagi went back to
the tired and true method of kicking and screaming.


***

 Half-way down the block, Saffir realized that the 'fireman's lift'
employed by the sexy hero's in Esmerude's dime novels simply was *not*
effective. He considered, briefly, that he ought to write the authors and
tell them so. Filing that thought away for later, he set Usagi down,
keeping a firm hold on her wrist. Unfortunately, this still gave Usagi a
free hand, which she used to reach for her locket and thrust it in the air.
 "MOON CRYSTAL..." her voice tapered off in disbelief as Saffir nimbly
plucked the locket from her grasp. "Wait," she protested, "You're supposed
to..."
 ".. stand there shocked while you shout the incantation, then stare
stupidly as you transform and give me a tantalizing glimpse a your
unmentionables?" Saffir suggested helpfully The future Neo-Queen Serenity
considered this.
 "Well, yeah," she said at last.
 "That's an effective strategy, but only until you run up against someone
who only likes girls with green hair. Not to mention I knew what you were
going to do." The Blue Prince looked a little smug, "Though my brother
would like the last bit of your plan."
 "HENTAI!!" Usagi shouted, and began struggling again. Kneading his
forehead with his free hand, Saffir used his limited powers to hold the
girl still for moment.
 "Look," he began reasonably, "Your struggling isn't going to help.
Contrary to what I told your cat," he was vaguely aware that the phrase
sounded off, "I'm not going to kill you. That would defeat the point of
kidnapping you!"
 Usagi looked perplexed, "Then why ARE you kidnapping me?"
 "Because it's Demando-onii-san's birthday, and you're going to be his
present," blue eyes narrowed in thought, "Could you jump out of a cake
naked?"
 "Iie!" the blond screeched, "Never!"
 "Clothed?"

 That gave the girl pause. Saffir thought that he could almost follow her
cognitive processes from the expressions playing on her face. She came to
the conclusion that he was insane, and therefore needed to be reasoned with
carefully.
 "Think about it," Usagi said, "what will your brother do with me? I'm not
a very good present!"
 "Of course you are!" he replied, defensive, "You'll be his mistress!"
 "M-mistress?" the girl turned a shade of pink Saffir had only seen once
before, when Setsuna had...
 Never mind about that!
 "Hai, Demando's mistress," Saffir declared proudly.
 "What exactly do mistresses DO?"
 "Well," he frowned, "They make sure they look nice, allow their lovers to
give them presents and food and clothes, and..." he found himself searching
for the term. For once, Esmerude was of some use, "and they do the
horizontal tango!"
 Well, that shocked Usagi so that Saffir was able to drag her a little
farther without protest.

 "IIE!!" she shrilled when the thought sunk in, "Wait, I have a boyfriend!"
 Saffir stopped, mostly because Usagi had dug her heels into the sidewalk
and was doing a very good impression of an anchor. "That's not entirely
accurate," he looked at her, "Mamoru has dumped you because of prophetic
dreams foretelling your death at his hands. Of course, those are hoax, but
the fact still remains you don't currently have a boyfriend."
 Her eyes grew wide, "He did WHAT!?"
 "Oh," the Prince was again, a little confused, "You didn't know that?"
 "No!" Usagi giggled to herself, "Mamo-chan still loves me!" She went SD
and danced around Saffir. The Blue Prince smacked himself upside the head,
feeling a massive migraine coming on. Out of irritation (and also
jealousy-- Usagi looked much more angelic whilst SD than he) he reached
forward with a small bolt of dark energy and let loose at Usagi with it.
The young girl crumpled to the ground, but Saffir found no satisfaction. He
knelt beside her, checking for scrapes and bruises caused in the fall.
 "Onii-san will KILL me if I damaged the merchandise," he murmured
fretfully.
 Still, it did make kidnapping Usagi a lot easier. Hoisting the young girl
into his arms, Saffir thought briefly that she was a bit small. Well, the
curves would fill out in time, right? Right!

 With that, he teleported back to 30th Century Nemesis.

***

 As Usagi was unconscious, Saffir found himself forced to rule out the
'jumping out of a cake naked' idea. However, he did find a few dozen yards
or so of pink ribbon left over from the days of the Ayakashi sisters, and
decided to put it good use.

***

 "Happy Name Day, Demando-onii-san!" Saffir chirped at breakfast the next
morning. Demando, surprised to hear more than four words from his brother,
not to mention happy ones, gave Saffir his full attention.
 "Arigato, Saffir-chan," the White Prince said, "What makes you so happy?"
 "I got you the best present EVER!" Saffir exclaimed with childish glee. He
rose from his place at the table, ignoring the pointed glares from
Esmerude, and went to his brother's side. He pulled the older boy from the
chair, tugging at Demando's cape excitedly. "Come on, see what I got
you..."
 "AHEM!" Esmerude said as she trailed them down the hall.
 "Oh," the blue prince blanched, "Esmerude helped too. I do hope you like
it, Onii-san...."
 "Saffir..." Demando sent his brother a worried glance, but allowed himself
to be propelled towards a guest bedroom door.
 "Open it, open it!" Saffir was almost dancing now. Shaking his head, the
White Prince opened the door and...

 Stared open-mouthed at the scene before him. On the pristine sheets of the
canopy bed lay Tsukino Usagi, Neo Queen Serenity, her hands tied with wide
pink ribbon that was also draped over her body.
 "You got me..." Demando began, rushing towards his present like a starving
man.
 "HER!?!?!" Esmerude wailed, kicking herself. Saffir smiled, and thought
that if he'd known Demando would drool so much, he would have brought a
bucket. The White Prince was holding Usagi, petting her hair and... well,
cooing. Saffir decided that now was the time to close the door. He locked
it respectfully behind him and drug the still-screaming Esmerude away.

***

So, Esmerude lost her chance with Demando, and gained an even greater sense
of bitterness and futility.

Demando lost his desire for Earth and gained... as Saffir delicately put
it, fulfillment.

Usagi lost her voice from wailing, but (after some careful wooing from a
certain White Prince) gained a love for Nemesisian pancakes, especially
when eaten off Demando's stomach.

Saffir lost a game of strip Battle Ship to Setsuna, but gained a lap full
of...

Well, that's another story all together.

*~finis~*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Email me! Please? I beg of you... <holds up an ink blot>

MEREDITH: See this? It's my smiling face when you email me...
DEMANDO: Looks more like a dead raccoon to me, but if you say so...
MEREDITH: <pouts> You're cruel. Especially after how nice I am to you!
DEMANDO: Oh yes, locking me in your closet is the greatest kindness...
MEREDITH: Well, maybe not that... but... <sly look> Pancakes, anyone?

<Demando says nothing, as he is busy trying to remedy his nose bleed>

BWAHAHAHA!

Email me?
mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com

that's mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com